The obvious advantage of online dating is that it provides a wider pool of possibility and choice. In some respects, for the masses of grownups seeking mates, either for a night or for life, dating is an attempt to approximate the collegiate condition—that surfeit both of supply and demand, of information and authentication. A college campus is a habitat of abundance and access, with a fluid and fairly ruthless vetting apparatus. A city also has abundance and access, especially for the young, but as people pair off, and as they corral themselves, through profession, geography, and taste, into cliques and castes, the range of available mates shrinks. We run out of friends of friends and friends of friends of friends. You can get to thinking that the single ones are single for a reason.
If your herd is larger, your top choice is likely to be better, in theory, anyway. This can cause problems. When there is something better out there, you can’t help trying to find it. You fall prey to the tyranny of choice—the idea that people, when faced with too many options, find it harder to make a selection. If you are trying to choose a boyfriend out of a herd of thousands, you may choose none of them. Or you see someone until someone better comes along. The term for this is “trading up.” It can lead you to think that your opportunities are virtually infinite, and therefore to question what you have. It can turn people into products.
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EVERY HO I KNOW SAYS SO is a response to the total lack of accessible online resources for people looking for advice on how to be a good date or lover or partner to a sex worker. We want to support our lovers to continue unlearning the internalized stigma against sex workers, especially in intimate relationships. We think that sex workers themselves have valuable advice and direction to give to people who get into intimate relationships with us. This is the direct message we want to give to our lovers: “We hope that this video is useful to you in your journey to becoming a sex worker-positive and supportive lover and person in the community!!! By continuing to work on your attitudes about our work and educating yourself, you are showing us that you care. We love you!”
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- Love in the Age of the Pickup Artist | Stendhal Among the Seducers | The Point Magazine – In other words, it is not enough that playfulness be taken up in the service of seriousness; the seriousness must always be present alongside the playfulness, bound up with it in a constant synthesis. This means that the lover will have to show his hand every once in a while, even if he is quick to hide it again. And this also means that love will always bring with it some portion of terror. Because his heart is at stake, the lover will feel the terror of losing the beloved, even in the moment she gives herself to him. This is the terror the seducer believes he has bypassed. Maybe he has—but in doing so the chance for love has slipped through his fingers. Because he does not sow, he cannot reap. There is no way around this.
- Study: Fish-oil supplements may cut breast-cancer risk | Seattle Times Newspaper – Researchers at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center surveyed more than 35,000 postmenopausal women in Western Washington and found that those who took omega-3 fish-oil supplements had a 32 percent lower incidence of breast cancer, but senior author Emily White doesn't recommend that women begin taking the highly touted capsules.
- Star Witness Makes a Liar out of Stagliano’s Prosecution – Reason Magazine – The prosecution can no longer vouch for the integrity of its own star witness. FBI Special Agent Bradley is the only one to testify that he watched the entire content of the films in question and deemed them obscene, so if the prosecution has serious doubts about the honesty and accuracy of his testimony, the government has a responsibility to not present that testimony to the jury. And there are good reasons for doubting Bradley.<br />
<br />
In Thursday's proceedings, Bradley claimed that prosecutor Pamela Satterfield told him to review the movies before the trial began at the behest of Judge Richard Leon, so that he could recall better on the witness stand basic elements of the movies, including action and dialogue. If Bradley's statement is true, it would be a shocking breach of ethics by Judge Leon—you can't have impartial arbiters helping the prosecution prepare witnesses.
- What turns women on: less kitsch, more context – The Globe and Mail – Swedish filmmaker Erika Lust favours everyday hook-up scenarios and modern apartment settings over Mafia dons on yachts.<br />
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Female-friendly erotica features the guy next door and showcases the bed linens, says filmmaker Erika Lust
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- Newark archbishop questions plan for Seton Hall University gay marriage class | – NJ.com – The course is scheduled to begin next fall for upperclassmen in any major on the South Orange campus, university officials said. It is designed to explore the controversial issue without advocating for either side.
- Chimpanzees Use Tools to Help Their Sex Lives – NYTimes.com – Leaf-clipping, meanwhile, has remained a local fetish among chimpanzees. The sexual strategy has been spotted at a colony in Tanzania but not in most other groups. There has been nothing comparable to the evolution observed in distributors of human sex tools: from XXX stores to chains of cutely named boutiques (Pleasure Chest, Good Vibrations) to mass merchants like CVS and Wal-Mart.
- State’s Highest Court Unanimously Recognizes that Non-Biological Mother in Lesbian Couple is Parent | New York Civil Liberties Union (NYCLU) – American Civil Liberties Union of New York State – In its ruling today, the court unanimously held that because Debra would be considered a parent under Vermont law, where the couple entered into a civil union, she should be considered a parent under New York Law as well.
- Matchmaking Site Brings Romance to British University Libraries – Wired Campus – The Chronicle of Higher Education – The site, Fitfinder, allows students to post messages broadcasting their attraction to others they've spotted in the stacks.
- Duncan Charles Designs to Back Chilldils « Chilldil – Chilldils Sex Toy Sleeves are pleased to announce that they have been approached with an offer from Duncan Charles Designs, which they have happily accepted.
- Facebook Users Like Sex | Mashable – As the chart below depicts, Facebook users are extremely fascinated with sex, as sex links are 90% more likely to be shared than other types of content. Links that are positive in nature and/or related to learning rank second and third in terms of shares, respectively.
- Amy Jo Goddard | CarnalNation – Abby Ehmann's profile of Amy Jo Goddard and her Women's Sexuality Empowerment Apprenticeship workshop.
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- On the Internet, Nobody Knows You’re Vanilla | Midori | CarnalNation – So are people having sex and kinkier adventures than you? Sex creates enough inadequacy issues for most people and the net just feeds those fears. The truth is that some are, but most aren't.
- For those who cannot see, erotica in 3-D – thestar.com – Her book Tactile Mind, which she hand-crafted herself, is meant to be felt up, to be precise. It is an erotic book for the blind and visually impaired, though it can be enjoyed by the sighted as well.
- How to reclaim your privacy by disabling Facebook’s “Open Graph” – Simple Help – This very brief tutorial will show you how to disable Facebook’s latest “has some privacy issues” service, Open Graph…You can find a very nice summary of it here. What I will do is show you the steps required to block this new “feature” – which is enabled by default.
- Kate Bornstein: When Bad Movies Happen To Good People | Out.com Features – In the hands of a better filmmaker, the '70s exploitation campiness would have made Luna’s point: Hate crimes suck. But, he failed. He wound up making a film that a large part of his potential audience considers a hate crime in and of itself.
- Why You Should Never Pay For Online Dating « OkTrends – Today I'd like to show why the practice of paying for dates on sites like Match.com and eHarmony is fundamentally broken, and broken in ways that most people don't realize.
- Rethinking Virginity Conference, 5/3 – Is there a sex-positive way to teach abstinence? What are the historical and cultural origins of the virginity ideal? How does a queer person lose their virginity? Does anyone even know what virginity really is?<br />
<br />
From debunking myths to defying norms, the Rethinking Virginity Conference will feature scholars and experts speaking about gender, sexuality, and the elusive concept of virginity.
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- Getting Down About Hooking Up | Shira Tarrant | Ms Magazine Blog – What is new on the sexual landscape are debates about whether casual sex is all about fun and free will, or if hooking up is linked to sexual assault and women’s objectification.
- Vegas’ Mystery Sex Blog | The Daily Beast – A Sin City prostitute is posting her sexploits on Twitter and her blog. Richard Abowitz talks to the anonymous woman who’s inspired a city-wide guessing game.
- It’s Called a Scene Name for a Reason | Lee Harrington – It’s called a scene name for a reason.<br />
Because its the name they want used in the scene.
- Hidden World of Girls – THE KITCHEN SISTERS are launching a new NPR multimedia series exploring the hidden world of girls. Stories of coming of age, rituals and rites of passage, secet identities—of women who crossed a line, blazed a trail, changed the tide.
- Dating A Porn Star | Lucy Vonne | The Neave Online Publication – But the minute you mention that sex is part of your profession guys only see one thing and presume things about you. ..Yes, I am constantly consumed with and thinking about sex, which was hard for men to see past. They never saw me as the girl to have a relationship with; I was just the hook up. Or if I did start dating someone, they couldn’t deal with my job and would freak out. You have to put on a certain persona and guys couldn’t separate that from the real me. It makes complete sense that I end up in this type of relationship because not only do I understand him but he gets me.
- A tale of intriguing timing. — Desk Full of Dildos – The death knell has been sounded, dear readers, for Chilldils. A great idea, which still prevailed even when faced with numerous bumps in the road, a concept that I loved not only because it was my ‘baby’, but also because it was people like YOU who gave it life, has been barred from moving any further. (More drama about a sex toy company giving personal info on former workers)
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- China’s latest scandal is counterfeit condoms – latimes.com – Health officials warn that inferior contraceptives can spread the diseases they are supposed to protect against. Some of the brand-name knockoffs have reached the U.S.
- La Figa » Trans Speaker Receives Threat Over Appearance at Yale “Sex Week†– The threat, received through Angel’s Facebook account via a sock puppet, was relayed to Yale, and organizers have arranged 24 hour security for the transman porn actor.
- Courting Attention: Covering Calif.’s Marriage Trial : NPR – In California, lawyers are two weeks into a landmark federal court case challenging California’s Proposition 8, which bans same-sex marriage in that state.Margaret Talbot has been blogging about the trial for The New Yorker’s Web site, and she has written about it in this week’s issue of the magazine.
- The 4 Big Myths of Profile Pictures « OkTrends – In looking closely at the astonishingly wide variety of ways our users have chosen to represent themselves, we discovered much of the collective wisdom about profile pictures was wrong.
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- R-Wipe & Clean – CNET Download.com – We like this system-cleaning utility's feature set and flexibility. Naturally, R-Wipe & Clean can erase your browser's cache, cookies, temporary files, and typed URLs. In addition, you can securely delete any file via the right-click menu in Windows Explorer. You can perform common system deletions as well, such as emptying your Recycle Bin and erasing your Clipboard history.
- They Shoot Porn Stars Don’t They | Words & photos by Susannah Breslin – A photo-and-text essay on the adult movie industry and the recession.
- Want To Break Up? Tis The Season, So Better Hurry : NPR – It's not just turkeys that get nervous this time of year. Chances are high that a failing relationship will also meet its end during the holidays. That's because it's not just turkey season — it's turkey drop season.
- The Complete Guide to Google Wave: How to Use Google Wave – The Complete Guide to Google Wave is a comprehensive user manual by Gina Trapani with Adam Pash. Google Wave is a new web-based collaboration tool that's notoriously difficult to understand. This guide will help. Here you'll learn how to use Google Wave to get things done with your group. Because Wave is such a new product that's evolving quickly, this guidebook is a work in progress that will update in concert with Wave as it grows and changes. Read more about The Complete Guide to Google Wave, and follow us on Twitter for updates and Wave tips.
- A Few Questions for Belle de Jour, Call Girl and Scientist – Freakonomics Blog – NYTimes.com –
- Indecent Exposure: When Sex Workers Get Outed | Carnal New York – The most common complaint leveled at Belle both before and after the reveal is that her memoir "glamorizes" prostitution—as though simply telling the truth about one's life is synonymous with promoting those circumstances. It's fascinating that in both England and the US, selling sex for money is assumed to be so alluring to most women as to need nothing more than one woman's non-traumatic experiences to convince thousands of others to join the hooker ranks. (Perhaps this is, in some ways, tacit acknowledgement of how few high-paying careers seem readily accessible to women or the pay gap that exists in both countries?)
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Morning Edition
by Brenda Wilson
The hookup — that meeting and mating ritual that started among high school and college students — is becoming a trend among young people who have entered the workaday world. For the many who are delaying the responsibilities of marriage and child-rearing, hooking up has virtually replaced dating.
It is a major shift in the culture over the past few decades, says Kathleen Bogle, a professor of sociology and criminal justice at La Salle University.
Young people during one of the most sexually active periods of their lives aren’t necessarily looking for a mate. What used to be a mate-seeking ritual has shifted to hookups: sexual encounters with no strings attached.
“The idea used to be you are going to date someone that is going to lead to something sexual happening,” Bogle says. “In the hookup era, something sexual happens, even though it may be less than sexual intercourse, that may or may not ever lead to dating.”
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If it were a bit warmer today, if high school graduates could read, if the New York subway system had hard plastic barriers up (that opened when the trains came) so that no one could jump or fall or be pushed on the tracks, if diet coke were good for you, if my maternal grandparents were still alive and healthy, if I weighed 15 pounds less, if Chai came directly out of one of my faucets, if there were no rats in Manhattan, if there were already a good health insurance system in effect in this country, if all the women who wanted to get pregnant could and all the women who didn’t want to be pregnant weren’t, if — if — if –
Well, let’s get to the point: if dating profiles were honest, well, hey, then where would the sport be in internet dating??
All the fun would go out of it.
Yeah, and dating profiles — or at least the profile of one man I dated recently — would read something like this:
If it’s a warm day when we meet, I’ll be wearing a t-shirt, and you’ll notice a bluish-purplish mark on the inside of my left wrist. What is it? you’ll wonder. Well, I was a heroin addict in my youth, and that’s what it comes from. You gotta problem with that? If so, go away.
More . . ..
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. . .Dangerous femme fatale heroines, as portrayed by Rita Hayworth in Gilda or Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, are nearly extinct or have been reduced to tragic cougars while their male counterparts have only proliferated; now they can be found roaming the halls of magazines, publishing houses and the better English literature Ph.D. programs by day, and frequenting ironic dance parties in cramped Boerum Hill apartments by night. And unlike the typical womanizer, whose game is laughably easy to detect, the Homme Fatale’s modus operandi is more emotional and controlling than it is physical, leaving a wreckage that is, in the end, more disastrous.
(We pause here to note that the Homme Fatale, while related, is not the same as the oft-bemoaned indie rock or emo boy. While he may exhibit similarly sensitive qualities, an Homme’s emotional side is a learned part of his manipulation, not an authentic sentimentality.)
The Homme Fatale has also slyly insinuated (as is to be expected) his way into popular culture. Take, for instance, the Aaron Rose character played by John Patrick Amedori on the teen drama Gossip Girl, the young downtown artist and RISD grad with the unfortunate goatee. In the six episodes in which his relationship with the glamorous, blond Upper East Sider Serena van der Woodsen has progressed in fits and starts, he has yet to actually have sex with her. (Also, he doesn’t drink. Possible evidence of control issues!) But he sends her suggestive gifts, thoughtful texts and even asks her to be his muse. And for a somewhat nebbishy, shy person, he seems to have a suspicious number of beautiful female friends hanging around at all times. When Serena is justifiably confused by the other “muses†in his life, he simply says, “I could explain who Tamara is and why she was at my apartment last night, but the fact is, you feel something or you don’t. If you’re looking for an excuse to keep us apart, that’s fine.†It’s a classic Homme Fatale move: come on strong, then, when confronted with evidence that points to a lack of commitment or deception, turn it around so the woman feels like it’s her issue. (It’s a variation on the “I never said I wasn’t seeing anyone else†theme.)
via More. . ..
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Be silent.
Be vague.
Have a great name.
Look fantastic in a suit.
Look fantastic in casual wear.
Look fantastic in anything.
Sound good.
Smell good.
Kiss good.
Strut around with supreme confidence.
Be uncannily successful at your job.
Blow people away anytime you say anything.
Take six-hour lunches.
Disappear for weeks at a time.
Lie to everyone about everything.
Drink and smoke constantly.
basically, be Don Draper.
See also What Would Don Draper Do?
Tagged as:
dating,
humor
. . .In the days of social networks, always-on PDAs, real time tweets and FriendFeed links that update at the speed of light—and are visible to every Looky Lou perusing your account, deleting friends when things cool off can be a highly visible activity (as Xeni Jardin and Violet Blue each discovered when Xeni deleted 60+ posts and comments off her personal blog BoingBoing after the two apparently had a falling out). Therefore, the more politic of us now seem to do what corporate cowards have managed so adroitly for a long time—avoid any dramatic breaks in public contact, but in private, cut the sucker off, perfecting, if you will, the art of being ditched.
Obviously, if you’re dating someone regularly and they stop responding to emails, voicemails, tweets and so on, it’s brush off time for sure, but how about when it’s a more casual relationship, a friendship, or a friends with benefits situation? Can you tell if the person is just busy for the moment, or if you’re truly being ditched?
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By Kate Carraway
How we spend our money says as much about our priorities as the people we choose to share a bed with, and often, those two decisions are hopelessly intertwined. Sex, dating and relationships are expensive: flowers, hairdos, clothes, contraceptives, lube, cabs, texts, dinners, (breakfasts?) — how much does it actually come to? Is being single really more expensive than being in a relationship? Are people who make $20,000 spending as much as those who make over a hundred grand?
We asked nine people to spend one month diligently tracking every dollar spent in pursuit of sexual gratification — everything from trolling the bars to getting off solo to full-blown romantic intercourse. Some of the results were surprising, but numbers don’t lie, baby.
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KINGSPORT, TN—Just six months after claiming she was ecstatic about moving in with her boyfriend, and a mere eight weeks after announcing that she “couldn’t be happier” with their decision to take a brief time apart, administrative assistant Ann Castlen, 26, told friends Monday that she was absolutely thrilled to be single.
“Free at last!” Castlen said, nearly a year to the day after she informed several coworkers that she was emotionally ready to settle down and have children. “It’s like this giant weight has been lifted off me and I can finally breathe. I’m just going to enjoy this time alone and do all those things I was dying to do when I was bogged down with [ex-boyfriend] Brandon [Weiter].”
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