book

Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns

by Domina Doll on 10/15/2024

in bdsm, book, dominance, domination, kink, submission, submissive

screwroses0 300x300 Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns

“Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns” was not the first book I have ever read on BDSM.  When I first started getting interested in BDSM, the internet was my guide, some of it useful, some of it ridiculous, everyone had an opinion.  I then read “Different Loving” and “Sensuous Magic”, both excellent books relating to power exchange, the first being a series of “case studies” of real lifestylers by Brame, Brame and Jacobs, and the second a more subjective, yet open look into the BDSM lifestyle by sex radical, educator and writer Patrick Califia.

“Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism” by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon is very subjective, written by a male dominant and submissive female couple and first published in 1995.  It has been hailed as the go-to guide into power exchange relationships and even the BDSM bible.  Today, the book is fairly dated as both the images and the text will attest, yet there is still a lot of relevant information inside.  It is written in first person as both Phillip and Molly write various parts of each section, each relating it to their personal experience and power dynamic.  The tone is friendly and tries to use humor quite a bit which tends to be a bit kitschy at times. The book is also a bit sexist, as Phillip seems to have his own ideas of male and female roles, including sections entitled: “Phillip’s Treehouse—No Girls Allowed” and “Molly’s Quilting Bee,” in which only the males or females in each relationship are supposed to read each part.  No doubt these dynamics work well for this couple and many others, but I found the tone, the sexism and the sometimes tasteless humor to be sometimes off-putting and found myself rolling my eyes a lot while reading it.

Having said that, this is a good introductory book for those searching to learn the basics of BDSM relationships, but it is by no means the BDSM bible.  It does teach many different aspects of the power exchange relationship, but bear in mind that it is subjective so to get a full education, read many books on the subject, learn from your own personal experiences and get a mentor if you can and come to your own conclusions.

What you will learn in Screw the Roses

screwroses3 Screw the Roses Send Me the ThornsPage from Screw the Roses

Chapter One defines the BSDM terms and roles, which is fairly basic, yet sometimes confusing.  It states the difference between a Top/bottom and Dom/sub and the interchangeability of these roles.  Chapter Two talks about communication and trust as well as the psychological aspects of a relationship, all practical advice and Chapter Three gives resources on where to find play partners (the internet!). Chapter Four discusses negotiations, levels in the power exchange (including unrealistic situations), and limits and has a sample negotiation questionnaire which has now become the standard.  Chapter Five delves deeper in the male/female roles and how men and women should connect with alternate aspects of themselves, ie: their anima and animus.  Chapter Six introduces the reader into various types of sensation, pain and edge play, whereas Chapter Seven and Eight are all about bondage.   Chapters Nine and Ten focus on percussion play and discipline, while Chapter Eleven deals with endorphins, pain as pleasure and sub-space.  Chapter Twelve talks about the more psychological elements of BDSM play such as verbal abuse, humiliation, and degradation.  The final Chapter gives you ideas on how to furnish your play space and the end of the book features a Glossary and several Appendixes with resources, many of which will be now obsolete.

Most of the sections are fairly comprehensive and most people, even advanced players will no doubt find useful information in it.  I especially enjoyed the part that described the Doms and subs you should avoid with monikers like: Divina Nolo Mentis, Autoerotico Fabula, Neandrathal Vulgaris, and Femme Desparata.  While these caricatures are tongue-in-cheek, it is amazing how you can find their likeness in “real” scene players so easily.  Another myth the authors discount is the 24/7 lifestyle Master/slave relationship which they say is too much pressure, unrealistic and unhealthy, and for the most part I’d have to agree.  I have rarely seen people live these roles constantly in a relationship and last very long.  Not to mention that relationships evolve and dynamics change.

So, there are some great pointers in this book, lots of useful info and plenty to read, if you can get past the POV, kitschy humor, and sometimes egotistical sexism.  And, don’t forget there are a lot of varying perspectives, so read other books on the subject, join your local BDSM group when you feel ready, and find a good mentor to help you learn the ropes.

Screw the Roses | BDSM | Sex Toys

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Sex, Sex, and More Sex by Sue Johanson

by Domina Doll on 09/05/2024

in abortion, abstinence, abuse, aids, book, books, sex, sexuality, STDs, teen

Sex, Sex, and More Sex by Sue Johanson

Who doesn’t love Sue Johanson?  I grew up listening to the grandmotherly sexpert talk about every sexual taboo imaginable on CBC Radio, and later tuned into late night TV to watch her Sunday Night Sex Show.  Mostly, I tuned in to laugh, because she is quite a character and very funny.  But, I always learned quite a bit from her shows and perhaps because of her, aspired to study sexology and teach people about the positive aspects of their sexuality as well.

I was hoping Sue’s book “Sex, Sex, and More Sex” was going to teach me something new, and leave off where her shows ended.  The book doesn’t do that however.  It is more of a digest of all her Q & A’s on the shows, written down and explained, with a few resources.  This would be a valuable resource for someone who has never watched Sue’s shows, or for young people who don’t have all the answers.  But, I mainly found it repetitive as didn’t offer me anything new or unique.

The book is easily navigated by topic, put in alphabetical order, with a listing as well in the index.  Each topic has a Q & A format, which Sue answers.  Being a registered nurse, many of the topics pertain to STDs, Aids, celibacy, condoms and safety, which is great.  Sue also demystifies many subjects, which, in her day were much more taboo than they are now such as anal sex, bondage and discipline, abortion, hairiness and vaginal farts. (Well, maybe vagina farts didn’t need to be demystified?)  Sue’s focus is always on safety and health, be it physical, or mental.  She also addresses issues that aren’t necessarily sexual like Anorexia, battering and abuse, Osteoporosis, and body image issues.

The information provided in this book is very useful, especially for teens who want the straight facts and I would recommend it for anyone’s daughter, son, niece, nephew, or grandchild who is becoming curious about their own sexuality and asking questions.  Much of what you will find in the book is the type of info that you’d get from places like Planned Parenthood.  Some of it is a bit dated, and I wonder if Sue has ever used some of the toys she recommends, but overall, useful and accurate information.

I guess I was disappointed in the book because I am no longer a teenager, so much of the information I already know.  And, also, the book cannot capture Sue’s witty, no-nonsense personality that she portrayed on her shows, which was one of the best things about watching them.

Obviously, the intended audience is not myself, or other savvy sexperts, but young people who want to know more about sex but are afraid to ask.  I do highly recommend this book for teens and for parents who don’t quite know all the answers either, or aren’t sure how to approach the subject with their kids.

Sex, Sex, and More Sex | Sex Toys | Anal Toys

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Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

by Domina Doll on 06/20/2024

in book, books, polyamory, polygamy, relationships, Tristan Taormino, tristantaormino

openingup Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” by Tristan Taormino is an enlightening and thought-provoking book that explores the diverse aspects of nonmonogamous relationships from solo polyamory, to partnered nonmonogamy, to triangles and groups.  The book features a wealth of information from stats to brief histories of polyamory in the U.S., as well as Taormino’s own research on the subject where she interviewed over 100 people living in open relationships over the past ten years.

The Guide begins by relating the history of polyamory, as well as breaking the myths of monogamy and traditional relationships, why you might want to choose a nonmonogamous lifestyle and what makes nonmonogamy work.  Section 2 looks at the many styles or models of nonmonogamous relationships and Section 3 talks about creating and sustaining relationships.  There is also a resource guide at the end which lists books, organizations and websites for further information.

Throughout the book Taormino uses checklists and practical advice for the reader which she says can be used like a roadmap to navigate your own way through the different styles and create your own model based on you and your partner(s) needs, desires, and unique situation(s).  Like any emotional or sexual relationship, polyamorous relationships have unique problems, potential issues and conflicts that arise that are common to open relationships.  Taormino deals with each of these giving practical advice and coping strategies including: jealousy, fear of abandonment, time management, negotiating boundaries, violating agreements, new desire, coping with change, safer sex as well as legal issues.

The highlight of the book is the real life experiences Taormino uses with quotes, stories and advice from a diverse group of people who share their desires, fears, challenges, solutions, successes and failures with the reader to provide meaningful context.  This book is really a thoughtful and comprehensive guide on open relationships of all kinds, leaving no stone unturned.  Enlightening, inspirational, and practical, this book is for anyone interested in or already living in responsible nonmonogamous relationships.

You can purchase “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” by Tristan Taormino at Babeland.


Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

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Tantra for Erotic Empowerment

by Domina Doll on 04/12/2024

in book, books, sacred sex, sacred sexuality, sexuality, tantra

Tantra for Erotic Empowerment: The Key to Enriching Your Sexual Life
by Mark A. Michaels (Author), Patricia Johnson (Author), Tristan Taormino (Foreword)

tantra for erotic empowerment Tantra for Erotic Empowerment

Tantra for Erotic Empowerment is an instructional book that focuses on the erotic possibilities of  Tantric Sex, written by life partners Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson, a “devoted married couple who have been teaching Tantra and Kriya yoga together since 1999″ .  Unlike many other books I have read on the subject of Tantra, this book teaches the spiritual quest for enlightenment in its most ancient form, rather than the watered-down versions you normally see for Western culture.  This doesn’t mean that the book is overly esoteric or the concepts difficult to grasp, as Michaels and Johnson explain the aspects of Tantra in the most elementary terms.  It is however, a healthy tome, with a wealth of information on sexuality, sexual spirituality, pleasure, desire, meditation, energy, bliss, transformation and union: basically everything your need to begin your Tantric journey as a novice, or expand upon the teachings you have already learned as an experienced practitioner.  In other words, this is not a quick study guide.  In fact, it has taken me many weeks to read from cover to cover, a rewarding experience that was well worth every word.  The authors actually recommend using the book by reading one chapter per week and then practicing what you have learned, which is the best way to approach this book.

The text features a foreword by Tristan Taormino, fifty-two exercises to do yourself solo or with your partner, multiple illustrations and photographs of Michaels and Johnson showing the various positions, as well as a complete glossary to help you understand all the terminology.  It is also written to be inclusive to all genders and sexual persuasions.

What is best about this book is that the authors use many of their own experiences as a practical guide to inform the reader and guide you on your spiritual quest of sexual enlightenment and pleasure.  It covers all aspects of sexual spirituality and has information both valuable to novices and those already knowledgeable in the art of Tantra.

“Tantra for Erotic Empowerment is a book for those who want to get a taste of Tantric sexuality firsthand, for those who wish to understand their own sexuality more deeply, enhance the sexual component of their relationships, or explore some simple meditation techniques that embrace sexuality as a tool for spiritual growth…  At the same time, Tantra for Erotic Empowerment is not solely for beginners, since it explores both the theoretical and practical aspects of Tantra in some depth and includes exercises that even readers who are familiar with contemporary Tantra and Neo-Tantra should find both challenging and original…  We focus on consciousness, an experimental attitude, and, above all, pleasure…” –From the Introduction of the book.

This is certainly one of the best and most thorough books I have read on  Tantra, which is sure to help anyone interested in these topics enhance their sexual pleasure and intimacy together, as well as guide them on the path to their own sexual and spiritual awakening.

You can purchase Tantra for Erotic Empowerment at Amazon.com.  Thank you to the authors for allowing me the pleasure to review their book and to Viviane for suggesting it to me.

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The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori

by Domina Doll on 02/25/2024

in bondage, book, Midori, shibari

The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori
Photography by Craig Morey
Publisher Greenery Press (2001)
175 pages, Softcover.

A few years ago (2005) I was lucky enough to take a bondage workshop with Midori: “Intro to Japanese and other Creative Rope Bondage Essentials” in Halifax at Venus Envy, one of the local sex shops.  It was one of two workshops I took with her and was an amazing experience.  Midori-only a small woman in stature-has a powerful and dynamic charisma; cool and collected with an authoritative presence that demands people sit back and take notice.

A friend of mine Kate volunteered to be Midori’s guinea-pig.  Kate is quite a bit taller than Midori, very butch and buff.  Although quite submissive, Kate plays mostly as a dominant as she doesn’t find too many Dom/mes who can handle her.  I was interested in seeing what Midori would do with her.

midori bondage The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori

First Midori stood before Kate and the audience dressed in a gorgeous sea foam and silver Asian-style dress, slowly unraveling a long piece of hemp rope and running it through her fingers as she stared Kate down.  The room was completely silent, except for a few uncomfortable giggles that were soon silenced by Midori’s schoolmarm stare, as Kate stood blushing profusely.  In “The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage“,  Midori explains this technique in detail in her “Analysis of a Scene”: “While effectively setting the tone and head space for the dominant, the visual effect of the top methodically stroking the ropes may be quite profound on the bottom…  Many different moods and attitudes might be presented… powerful and slightly intimidating… playful, humiliating…”  Of course, running the ropes through the hands at the beginning of the scene has many other practical uses as well such as untangling the rope, finding debris, and ridding the rope of its “bad habits.”

Next, Midori began to rub the rope over Kate’s body and head.  She held the rope up to Kate’s nose to allow her to smell it like an aromatic aphrodisiac.  Midori explains in her book the strong connection that many bottoms will make with the scent of the rope, associating it “with the sensual, sexual and magical experience of wonderful rope bondage scenes.”  This technique was obviously effective on Kate as she nearly swooned and leaned against Midori who took her weight.

Midori then made a rope blindfold to remove Kate’s sight and place her more into the scene, effectively blocking the audience from her view.  While Kate knew she was still on display, she quickly fell into the grove of Midori’s quick, clever hands working magic on her body.  Midori spun Kate around as she skillfully tied knots, moving the larger woman to her will, sometimes holding her a little off-balance, and then capturing her again within her strong embrace.  In her book, Midori says that the top should make the bottom move to their whim using “firm decisive moves, sometimes punctuated by a quick change in pace… to emphasize the emotional dominance and control the top has over the scene…”  She also calls this to tie with “gusto” where her rhythmic handiwork would suddenly change to a quick yank as she synched the knots which would rouse a sharp intake of breath and sigh from Kate.

Reading “The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage” was almost like being at Midori’s workshop once again, where rather than teaching the technical aspects of knot-work (Midori only showed us three knots), she demonstrates the dynamics of the scene itself.  In the book Midori talks about her personal history with rope bondage, the visual aesthetics of shibari including symmetry, tension, and balance, as well as introduces the reader to a brief history of Japanese bondage.  She covers safety elements and aftercare as well as explains the various types of rope and what they are best suited for.

The final section of the book shows seven classic positions with photographs by Craig Morey and simple diagrams, focusing on the techniques and knot-work.  Most of the techniques are fairly easy to follow, although some of them can get confusing, especially when a few illustrative steps are missed.  I would have preferred the images to be more step-by-step and photographed rather than line drawings.  As mentioned before, Midori doesn’t focus on difficult knots, but only shows a few basic ties, as she did in her workshop.  Her focus is not on technical skills but rather showing how bondage can be accomplished by a novice.  Any boy scout can learn to tie intricate knots and there are many books on that, but very few people can show effectively the dynamics of a scene like Midori can, that left my friend Kate a pile of wet, hot, quivering mush afterward.

If you haven’t had a chance to see one of Midori’s excellent bondage workshops I highly recommend this book.  It is a great introduction for beginners and I know many so-called “experts” in my BDSM community who would benefit from learning the dynamics of a scene as well.  For someone like me who has had the advantage of seeing Midori live, this book is a great reminder of all the techniques that are taught in her workshop (many that I had forgotten) and may inspire you to take up your rope again and begin practicing.

With the book that I received from Tabu Toys, I also got a length of Japanese Silk Love Rope (5 meters) to play with and practice my knots.  This rope comes in brilliant colors, is soft, yet strong and fairly easy to work with.  Together, “The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage” and the Japanese Silk Love Rope makes a great beginner’s rope kit to start playing with, and is also an excellent gift for your lover if you want to give them a subtle, yet effective hint.  You can purchase both items from Tabu Toys.

tabutoys The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori

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