Friendly’s wants you to create your own Happy Ending. I think it’s hilarious that it’s actually trademarked. Thanks to Patricia for sending me this!
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From the category archives:
humor
Link
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Be silent.
Be vague.
Have a great name.
Look fantastic in a suit.
Look fantastic in casual wear.
Look fantastic in anything.
Sound good.
Smell good.
Kiss good.
Strut around with supreme confidence.
Be uncannily successful at your job.
Blow people away anytime you say anything.
Take six-hour lunches.
Disappear for weeks at a time.
Lie to everyone about everything.
Drink and smoke constantly.
basically, be Don Draper.
See also What Would Don Draper Do?
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Nailing Your Wife | Girls | SPIKE.com
Nathan Fillion (of Dr. Horrible fame) and Aria Giovanni star in the first PGPorn segment – “porn movie style vignettes that don’t get interrupted by that pesky sex.”
[via The Femmenist Fucktoy]
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see more pwn and owned pictures
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KINGSPORT, TN—Just six months after claiming she was ecstatic about moving in with her boyfriend, and a mere eight weeks after announcing that she “couldn’t be happier” with their decision to take a brief time apart, administrative assistant Ann Castlen, 26, told friends Monday that she was absolutely thrilled to be single.
“Free at last!” Castlen said, nearly a year to the day after she informed several coworkers that she was emotionally ready to settle down and have children. “It’s like this giant weight has been lifted off me and I can finally breathe. I’m just going to enjoy this time alone and do all those things I was dying to do when I was bogged down with [ex-boyfriend] Brandon [Weiter].”
Link
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This is what happens when Boymeat travels:
Seeing as it would be a short weekend, I decided to pack light and for once travel with carry-on luggage. This meant no whips, no knives, no canes, or any other typical weapon-like item I would normally bring along. In fact, I only brought one sex toy – a speculum.
Due to an amazing thunderstorm that spontaneously rolled into NYC at 5 PM on the dot, my plane was delayed 4 hours before eventually being canceled. During that delay, I went back and forth the security gates 3 times to have a cigarette to squash my ever growing frustration.
Which meant the TSA had a total of 4 opportunities to figure out what in gods name I had in my bag.
Comedy, thus, ensued.
Attempt #1
TSA – Um, what is that?
Me – It’s a speculum.
TSA – Huh?
Me – It’s used to open things up.
TSA – Like what?
Me – *stared at her blankly*
TSA – *shaking her head* Go.
Attempt #2
TSA – Isn’t this…?
Me – Yes, it’s a speculum.
TSA – Are you a doctor?
Me – Nope.
TSA – I mean this is used for… you’re a doctor right?
Me – Nope.
TSA – Then why do you…?
Me – *smiled at her*
TSA – OooooooooooK. Go on.
Attempt #3
Me – I know what you’re looking at. It’s a speculum. I’ve been through this already with some of your colleagues.
TSA #1 – Hey, wait, I know what this is… it’s a…
Me – Yes, it’s a speculum.
TSA #2 – Oh, right, it’s for opening…
TSA #1 – Noses, right?
Me – Um, nope.
TSA #2 – I… I’m not even gonna ask.
Attempt #4
Me – Before you even ask, it’s a speculum.
TSA – *smiles and waves me off*
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So I’m sort of interested in the Gor thing, but I really loathe Rush. Is this a deal-breaker?
- Twee Guy
Yes, in most cases. The acceptance of prog-rock is essential to the teachings of Gor, which entail a lot of chest-pounding, grim stares into the distance, and the appreciation of 27-minute guitar solos in the middle of songs which feature no less than 19 time-changes. If Rush is a little too pedestrian for you, perhaps the works of Dream Theater, early Genesis, King Crimson, Yes, or the essential solo noodlings of Robert Fripp will better catch your fancy.
And for the record: Masters who listen to Twee are pussy-men.
Link
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Today was yet another Twitter outage. This cartoon sums it up nicely.
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[via Lumpesse]
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FAIRFIELD, CA—Lacking the exuberance, spontaneity, and airborne bodily fluids of previous all-night fuckfests, the first orgy since the passing of group-sex enthusiast Brian Hodge was a solemn and subdued affair, heavily lubricated sources reported Monday.
“Spirits were definitely low,” said Catherine Davis, who claimed that Hodge’s accidental drowning was almost as unexpected as the time Scott Warner reached climax inside her mouth. “We were clearly all hurting on the inside. Especially Marissa, who got double-teamed right from the start.” (more. . . )
[via Wendy Blackheart]
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Staff at a German butcher’s shop were shocked to discover a customer had hidden two sex toys in their sausages for transport to Dubai.
The rationale being they wouldn’t search it because it was pork?
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OK, so typically here at the Carnival we try to stay highbrow — you know, seminars and educational opportunities and analyses of sexual politics and so forth — but sometimes… well, sometimes I just can’t resist reaching deep down low, down to the Spanish-television bikini-weather-report level.
Behold, readers: A bull humping a midget little person.
[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv6D4sieaHM[/video]
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About ‘The Best of Craigslist’
* Postings are nominated by craigslist readers, and are not necessarily endorsed by craigslist staff.
* Postings may be explicitly sexual, scatalogical, offensive, graphic, tasteless, and/or not funny
Why I no longer want to have sex
“It has taken me 9 years of unsatisfactory sex to realize that men are clueless in bed and that my time will be much better spent pleasuring myself. I am aware that I will be spending a lot more money on AA batteries and I have come to terms with that. I will still be saving money, by not having to buy condoms.
I just want to make it clear that it is not that I cannot have an orgasm, I have them all the time, just not with someone else in the room, it is just that guys do not get what it takes to get a woman off.”
To all my clients….from your friendly online porn store
“I have run an online adult goodies store for about 3 years now. To say the least, I have run into some interesting characters in my 3 years of online smut-pandering. I am about to end my run of naughty knick-knacks and I’d just like to give a wee shout-out to the people who struck me as the most interesting, funny, annoying and downright memorable. Here goes nothing….”
Rave: Planned Parenthood
“The nurse, without missing a beat, said “You know what, have as many partners as you want! Just practice safe sex!” and opened up a medicine cabinet. “Here are a few for the road!” she chirped, dumping rolls of condoms in a little goody bag with pamphlets she had sitting on the table next to my chart. Shocked that someone can be so accepting, I stuttered and said “Just how many do you think I need?!” She smiled and said “As many as it takes!” I was speechless. Thank you, nurse practioner. You rock. You were absolutely wonderful today. You not only had an outstanding bedside manner that more than a few doctors should acquire but you also showed genuine kindness and understanding that is so rarely seen anywhere today, much less in medical profession. Most of all, thank you for not judging and thank you for supporting me. “Wanted: STONER BOYFRIEND
“Where are all the cool hippy guys out there? I would drive to Santa Cruz, park my fine ass in a park, playing my ukulele, eating tofu jerky, waving a clear baggy of catnip tied to a stick and spend a day trying to lure a cool stoner to join me on my blanket of love…,but I have a real 8-5 job and can’t afford that luxury. So where do I find one of you earthenware brothas?”
To the Doms of DC – w4m
“In the nine months I have lived in DC I have met and corresponded with a number of you, and frankly I am a little disappointed with the men in this area who call themselves Doms. I find it hard to believe that in a city based on the power of politics that at least a few of you can’t step up to the plate and get the whole BDSM thing right. Since you all seem to be having a difficult time with this I thought I would give you a few guidelines to make your search for your own submissive princess more successful. I am only giving you this input out of love, no one wants to see you succeed more than I do dear, so please read carefully.
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