From the category archives:

dating

If it were a bit warmer today, if high school graduates could read, if the New York subway system had hard plastic barriers up (that opened when the trains came) so that no one could jump or fall or be pushed on the tracks, if diet coke were good for you, if my maternal grandparents were still alive and healthy, if I weighed 15 pounds less, if Chai came directly out of one of my faucets, if there were no rats in Manhattan, if there were already a good health insurance system in effect in this country, if all the women who wanted to get pregnant could and all the women who didn’t want to be pregnant weren’t, if — if — if –

Well, let’s get to the point: if dating profiles were honest, well, hey, then where would the sport be in internet dating??

All the fun would go out of it.

Yeah, and dating profiles — or at least the profile of one man I dated recently — would read something like this:

If it’s a warm day when we meet, I’ll be wearing a t-shirt, and you’ll notice a bluish-purplish mark on the inside of my left wrist. What is it? you’ll wonder. Well, I was a heroin addict in my youth, and that’s what it comes from. You gotta problem with that? If so, go away.

More . . ..

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. . .Dangerous femme fatale heroines, as portrayed by Rita Hayworth in Gilda or Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, are nearly extinct or have been reduced to tragic cougars while their male counterparts have only proliferated; now they can be found roaming the halls of magazines, publishing houses and the better English literature Ph.D. programs by day, and frequenting ironic dance parties in cramped Boerum Hill apartments by night. And unlike the typical womanizer, whose game is laughably easy to detect, the Homme Fatale’s modus operandi is more emotional and controlling than it is physical, leaving a wreckage that is, in the end, more disastrous.

(We pause here to note that the Homme Fatale, while related, is not the same as the oft-bemoaned indie rock or emo boy. While he may exhibit similarly sensitive qualities, an Homme’s emotional side is a learned part of his manipulation, not an authentic sentimentality.)

The Homme Fatale has also slyly insinuated (as is to be expected) his way into popular culture. Take, for instance, the Aaron Rose character played by John Patrick Amedori on the teen drama Gossip Girl, the young downtown artist and RISD grad with the unfortunate goatee. In the six episodes in which his relationship with the glamorous, blond Upper East Sider Serena van der Woodsen has progressed in fits and starts, he has yet to actually have sex with her. (Also, he doesn’t drink. Possible evidence of control issues!) But he sends her suggestive gifts, thoughtful texts and even asks her to be his muse. And for a somewhat nebbishy, shy person, he seems to have a suspicious number of beautiful female friends hanging around at all times. When Serena is justifiably confused by the other “muses” in his life, he simply says, “I could explain who Tamara is and why she was at my apartment last night, but the fact is, you feel something or you don’t. If you’re looking for an excuse to keep us apart, that’s fine.” It’s a classic Homme Fatale move: come on strong, then, when confronted with evidence that points to a lack of commitment or deception, turn it around so the woman feels like it’s her issue. (It’s a variation on the “I never said I wasn’t seeing anyone else” theme.)

via More. . ..

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. . .In the days of social networks, always-on PDAs, real time tweets and FriendFeed links that update at the speed of light—and are visible to every Looky Lou perusing your account, deleting friends when things cool off can be a highly visible activity (as Xeni Jardin and Violet Blue each discovered when Xeni deleted 60+ posts and comments off her personal blog BoingBoing after the two apparently had a falling out). Therefore, the more politic of us now seem to do what corporate cowards have managed so adroitly for a long time—avoid any dramatic breaks in public contact, but in private, cut the sucker off, perfecting, if you will, the art of being ditched.

Obviously, if you’re dating someone regularly and they stop responding to emails, voicemails, tweets and so on, it’s brush off time for sure, but how about when it’s a more casual relationship, a friendship, or a friends with benefits situation? Can you tell if the person is just busy for the moment, or if you’re truly being ditched?

Link

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KINGSPORT, TN—Just six months after claiming she was ecstatic about moving in with her boyfriend, and a mere eight weeks after announcing that she “couldn’t be happier” with their decision to take a brief time apart, administrative assistant Ann Castlen, 26, told friends Monday that she was absolutely thrilled to be single.

“Free at last!” Castlen said, nearly a year to the day after she informed several coworkers that she was emotionally ready to settle down and have children. “It’s like this giant weight has been lifted off me and I can finally breathe. I’m just going to enjoy this time alone and do all those things I was dying to do when I was bogged down with [ex-boyfriend] Brandon [Weiter].”

Link

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I’ll admit that casual sex for me is a total defense mechanism in order to experience intimacy without risking emotional detriment. I’d so much rather be fucked than fucked with. So when some guy suggested to me last week that we merely make out all night instead of have sex, I was immediately cautious of his intentions. It sounds backwards, I know, but it’s, uh, progressive. Right?

. . .

But I totally should’ve trusted my instincts, because they’ve never failed me before. Especially when one night, he actually asked me to enumerate all the things I liked about him. I thought it was weird, but I obliged with utter honesty, “You’re funny, you’re smart, you’re cute, you’re charming, blah, blah blah.” I ended with, “I like you so much it’s scaring me.” And it was then that he got what he wanted. About 30 hours later, after spending the entire weekend together—brunching, cuddling, kissing on the street, holding hands, playing Connect Four, while sober, mind you—I received a text that said that he really needed to be alone, and he hoped I would understand.

Link

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  • I feel my libido is too high. How can I normalize it healthily and deal with it?
  • D/s newbie seeking help
  • Peripatetic, endearingly-awkward geek seeks amazing advice for casual sex shenanigans
  • I have an STD and don’t know what time is the right time in terms of telling the partner. Please help, I’m scared out of mind
  • SM question?? (very personal)!.
  • I am in my twenties, and I have given up on the idea of ever having sex
  • The type of guy I like to spend time with isn’t the type I like to have sex with. What now? Probably NSFW
  • So it turns out my kid brother might be a furry. Is this normal?!
  • I think I’m straight. Now what?
  • How to deal when family thinks you’re in the closet?

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Hello!

My name is Carmen Machado, and I’m a filmmaker in Washington, DC. I am currently producing a short segment of a documentary (working title: “AmBIguous Dating”) on bisexual dating. The segment is being directed by filmmaker Giovanna Chesler (her website can be found here).

As two bisexual women who are also navigating the world of dating, we are looking for stories. Your stories. Stories of bisexuals and their experiences in the dating world, and about problems that are unique to the bisexual dating scene.

Have you gone on a date and not been sure that it was actually a date? Have you ever revealed your bisexuality to your date, only to be met with antagonism? In other words, how does your sexuality make dating more complicated or difficult? Or does it at all?

We want stories of all kinds. Funny stories, tragic stories, heartbreakingly lovely stories. This is open to both bisexual men and bisexual women of all ages. Your story could have been about last week’s date fiasco, or one that occurred twenty years ago.

(Please note: the scope of this piece is limited to bisexual dating, not bisexual relationships.)

If you’re located in DC, and we choose one of your stories, we will possibly be conducting camera interviews (though if you want your story to be anonymous, that’s not a problem in the slightest). If you’re not located in this area – send your stories anyway! If we choose to use your story, we will contact you in order to have you fill out a standard release form (which gives us permission to use your story/interview). Additionally, if your story is chosen, we will send out an email with updates on where the film is being shown.

If you think you have a story for us, send it our way (along with any questions that you might have). Put the story in the body of an email and send it to carmen.machado AT gmail DOT com. Please put “AmBIguous Dating” somewhere in the subject line.

Additionally, if you feel like you know someone who has a story to tell, by all means, forward this information to them. Feel free to repost it in other communities and blogs. Spread the word! I can’t wait to hear what you all have to say.

Thank you so much. icon smile AmBIguous Dating Documentary

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U R dumped–one in seven say they have suffered the same fate as Britney Spears’ ex-husband and been told it’s all over via text message or e-mail, a survey said on Friday.

While hiding behind technology might appear a cowardly way of splitting up, it contrasts with the 4 percent who simply drop all communication with their lovers without notice.

“Most of us send e-mails and texts everyday, so it comes as no surprise they are now being used to ditch someone–however distasteful this is,” said Rob Barnes from Moneysupermarket.com, which carried out the survey.

“The results show 1 percent of the population would use a social-networking site to dump a partner. It would be interesting to see how this changes as sites such as Facebook and MySpace become more apparent in our everyday lives.”

One of the most high-profile victims of dumping by text was Kevin Federline, who reportedly received news that pop singer Spears was filing for divorce while being filmed for a television show.

The survey said 15 percent of the 2,194 people questioned had been dumped by text or e-mail, although a quarter of those in the most tech-savvy 18- to 24-year-old age group would choose the traditional method–a letter.

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It isn’t quite a match made in heaven, but a U.S.-based online dating company turned to ritual prayers and a Shinto priest to help boost its business in Japan.

It is common for busy singles and their relatives to visit shrines to pray for luck in finding love in a country where hectic lifestyles make it difficult to meet potential partners.

Match.com CEO Thomas Enraght-Moony and other company officials followed suit on Thursday, visiting the Shiba Dai-Jingu shrine in central Tokyo to take part in a private ceremony that included the offering of a sacred sakaki tree branch.

In Japan, singles have warmed to online dating although it is still not as popular as in the United States and Britain. Match.com, part of Internet conglomerate IAC/InterActiveCorp, launched in Japan in 2004 and now has 840,000 members. “For Match to be successful, one of the things that’s important is that I learn about the countries where we operate,” Enraght-Moony said after the ceremony, held in an inner chamber with gold-trimmed beams and offerings of apples and rice wine.

After the ceremony, he signed a huge wood prayer tablet in Japanese asking for Match.com’s 15 million worldwide members to find love, covering it with red heart stickers.

More than two-thirds of Japanese in 1935 had arranged marriages, in which couples were introduced by family members or colleagues and tie the knot after just a few dates, a government-affiliated think tank says.

But those “omiai” marriages, in which factors such as a man’s income and a woman’s upbringing were equally as important as their personal chemistry, are now outdated, and nearly 90 percent of Japanese find their marriage partners on their own.

Today’s singles are generally delaying marriage as both men and women opt for carefree lifestyles, a trend blamed for Japan’s rock-bottom birth rate.

Match.com has also found that many Japanese don’t believe in divine powers–or even technology–to decide their romantic fate.

With members worried that their dates are faking credentials such as their job, salary and university degree, the service now gives members the option to fax or e-mail copies of paychecks and diplomas to prove the authenticity of their personal data.

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Via Sex and the Ivy…

Because I don’t. I know it’s hard to believe. People like to declare that they’re type-less and then they tack on the criteria of “as long as he’s not a Republican.” Me? I’ve dated a Republican.

Republicanism might as well be the Christianity of a foreign land named Coulterville.

You would think that it might be tougher to date someone of a different cultural or religious background. Well, not for me. Republicanism might as well be the Christianity of a foreign land named Coulterville. I spent my entire relationship with Summer Guy attempting to ignore the fact that I was sleeping with the enemy, but at the end of it all, I learned a lot about myself. My views on race, poverty, and gay rights came out stronger, because his (facetious) challenges to them made me think critically about why I believed the things I did.

(A year and a half later, it now looks like he’s on the verge of a conversion to my god. Can’t help but feel a little smug about that.)

I don’t merely claim to be an equal-opportunity bed partner. I actually am in practice.

I was fairly non-discriminatory even before the Republican, but I think I’m even more so now. Race, religion, profession, education, class, whatever: as long as the guy’s tolerant and intelligent, none of it really matters. Just about the only criteria of late is age and even that’s rather lax (within five years of my own — and obviously, no 15-year-olds). Further, I don’t merely claim to be an equal-opportunity bed partner. I actually am in practice. Thanks to public misconception and a ton of presumption, I get quite a bit of criticism for only dating or sleeping with white guys, which pisses me off because that’s indicative of major stereotyping of Asian women. The actual racial breakdown in my history between white vs. everything else? Probably closer to 70-30, which is within five percentage points of Harvard’s actual demographic makeup.

Read more…

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cherico103007 Quite Possibly the Douchiest Douche Who Ever Douched

Hat tip to Jezebel for alerting me of the existence of Mike Cherico, a self-described “Edgy English Teacher” who blogs sex/dating for Glamour. Jezebel does a great job writing up his ignoramousness, so I’ll just copy-paste the highlights:

  • First off, he accepts and embraces the nickname “Edgy English Teacher,” which, ew. Also, he hints that it’s because he likes the non-vanilla sex- which, please, a little spanking and light bondage does not make you edgy, dude (because I think we all know that that’s the extent of the man’s kinks).
  • He also considers it edgy that he’s a dick to people, including his girlfriends. Being a dick doesn’t make you “edgy,” it makes you immature. And probably insecure.
  • Also, no one legitimately edgy puts on a Boba Fett costume and poses with a bunch of dudes for Halloween.
  • He takes pictures of himself with women he just met, and then puts one in a post when he talks about the other 2 girls he went out with that night. Classy.
  • He posts pictures (and again) of the clothes that women leave at his place after fucking him.
  • His ex’s friends call him “jerk boy.” This is never a good sign.
  • He told a woman he loved her when he didn’t mean it and than explicitly took it back. Is he 12?
  • Also, a week later he blogged that he’d decided they made better friends. Who wants to bet on whether he told her before he wrote it?

Question for Glamour: why serve up these asshole guys as examples of “modern dating” just to make women feel more insecure? OR is this… *shudder* normal d-bag behavior in the world of men?

Seriously, how does M.Cherico get that much pussy?

What do you think?

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Women who date online are likely to take precautions to protect their personal safety when first meeting a man face-to-face, but often are much less careful about protecting their sexual health once that encounter moves to the next level, a Houston-based study has found.

While the women who were surveyed went to great lengths to screen online acquaintances before meeting them, nearly a third reported having sex on the first date and three-quarters of those said they did not use condoms, according to the study by The University of Texas School of Public Health. (more. . .)

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Every morning of every weekday for 12 years, Thomas Montgomery punched in at the Dynabrade factory in Clarence, a small town in upstate New York. He strapped on his goggles and stood at his machine until the late afternoon, churning out components for power tools. After work, he walked the family dog, Shadow, and took his two daughters to swim practice. He became such a regular presence at the local swim club that he was named its vice president. He tried to be a good father and a decent husband to his wife of 16 years, Cindy. There were a few things he enjoyed — poker night on Fridays with the guys, playing Texas Hold ‘Em on Pogo.com, and the Dynabrade euchre tournament, which he dominated for two years in a row. For the most part, though, life was uneventful.

Which may be why Montgomery looked at himself — a 45-year-old former marine with a reddish mustache, bulging gut, and disappearing hair — and decided to become someone else. That person, he wrote on Dynabrade stationery that he stored in his toolbox at work, would be an 18-year-old marine named Tommy. He would be a black belt in karate, with bullet scars on his left shoulder and right leg, thick red hair, and impressive dimensions (6’2″, 190 pounds, and a “9″ dick”). Emboldened by his new identity, Montgomery logged onto Pogo in the spring of 2005 and met TalHotBlondbig50 — a 17-year-old from West Virginia, whose name, he later learned, was Jessica.

He began instant-messaging “Jessi,” who later also went by the handle “peaches_06_17,” and the lies flowed easier with every press of the Return key. His mom had died of cancer when he was 12, he told her, and his father was a military man. At 17, Tommy had raped a cheerleader, and his life became so hopeless that he enlisted in the Marines. After a stint at boot camp in June to train as a sniper, he was headed to Iraq. Montgomery concocted elaborate ruses to maintain Tommy’s cover story, creating a second identity as Tommy’s dad, Tom Sr., who bore a striking resemblance to the real Montgomery. Tommy’s access to the Internet was supposedly limited because of his military duties, so Dad, as Jessi soon referred to him, began shuttling messages between the two lovers. He also told Jessi to send any mail and packages for Tommy to him, because he had contacts in Iraq and could get them to the young marine quickly. (more. . . )

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Description: Join WNYC News’ Richard Hake for a Lesbian/ Gay/ Bisexual/ Transgender Singles Event. Richard will break the ice with a pop culture quiz, tossing out questions about Paris, France, and Paris Hilton. You can also enjoy the works of Japanese photographer Miwa Yanagi, in her first solo exhibit.

Date: Wednesday, May 23

Location: The Chelsea Art Museum
556 West 22nd Street (at 11th Avenue)
Time: 7-10pm
Ticket price: $35; $40 at the door (complimentary drink and hors d’oeuvres included)
Ticket information: In the interest of creating a gender-balanced event…
Purchase tickets (men)
Purchase tickets (women)

Questions? Call Listener Services: (212) 669-3333

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…In a Stiletto Relationship, what you feel is an addicting mix of love, lust, and pain.

Although you know on some level that “the mix” is toxic – and making you feel crazy – it’s incredibly hard to get that person, and the relationship, out of your system.

Why is that?

One of my favorite theories about what makes these relationships so addicting – other than sexual chemistry – is that the “stiletto lover” we get drawn to taps into a dark, exhilarating part of us.

When that part of us gets liberated, an adrenalin rush comes along with any fear, or sense that we’ve lost control. And that adrenalin rush helps us forget temporarily about the pain that will inevitably follow. It can even trick us into believing that the relationship is getting healthier. (more. . .)

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