Wondering how to get your lady friend to ditch her Hanes for La Perla? Hankering for vibrator gifting advice? Itching for some lusty rules that don’t involve The Rules?

Esquire plays Dan Savage in this month’s issue, sans Santorum references and a plethora of acronyms:

What can I assume is in the standard sexual repertoire? A hundred years ago, you wouldn’t be getting oral sex, right? Today it’s standard. What else?
It’s premature to assume that sex was much different in past generations. The mechanics have never really varied, only certain particulars may have changed. You may be surprised to learn that even a hundred years ago, women habitually performed blowjobs, just not while voting. With the exception of some new toe strokes (which are being discovered all the time), sex is basically finite — not entirely finite, but pretty finite. Technically, you’d have to say it’s infinite. But even so, chances are, anything you think of to do in bed, Heather Mills has already done, twice, with some businessmen. Today, you’re likely to get some obligatory tattoo-removal chat, and the kisses might betray just a hint of OxyContin, along with the standard package: fondling, digital stimulation, oral stimulation, and vaginal penetration. Slightly less common but still in the same universe: enema play, locking restraints, master/slave humiliation, mummification bondage wrapping, sensory deprivation, horsehair flogging, and — what am forgetting? Oh, yes, kissing.

After how many dates should I expect sex?
Sex will usually arrive on date three, most often by armored limousine and flanked by a large motorcade, or at least a police escort. (But don’t ask me what constitutes a “date,” because I’m quite sure I’ve never had one. Where from, the 1990s, there were no “dates.” Everyone just hung out and then got it on. The only thing I knew of dating was what had seen on Happy Days, and that you had to have a corsage. Why the “date” has reemerged in the current culture is beyond me. Freethinkers from the past decade — people like Kurt Cobain, Bill Clinton, Arsenio Hall, and me — all worked very hard to bring an end to this pointless convention. But if you people insist: date three.)

Can I text the morning after, or do I have to call?
Texting is preferable, actually. Regardless of how good or bad a time you had, your recent partner doesn’t really want to talk to you, either. So by texting, you are sparing both of you the tinge of revulsion at each other’s voices. Besides, texting is still novel enough to inspire a certain amount of giddiness, and will be for about six more months. Then you probably will have to call.

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