The Best of ‘The Best of Craigslist’
Jan 15th, 2024 by Viviane
Why I’m not sleeping with the Nice Guy On the Second Date
“1. Because I’m pretty damn sure that sleeping with you — after the second date — will not be as sexually satisfying as masturbation. Frankly, I’m not going to be that attracted to you after the second date. Waiting until the fifth date just means that I was attracted enough to you on the second date to keep dating you in hopes that I might be attracted enough to you on the fifth date to get some sexual satisfaction out of sleeping with you. (All date time lines are approximate, of course. Fifth could mean third or seventh, depending on you and me and our chemistry). Believe me, I wish I were as attracted to you on the second date as the fifth. But I’m not. And I wish that that the physiology of sex were such that any stick in any hole would do the job for me. But it won’t. So if we make it to five dates, it’s because there’s some actual chemistry there that builds enough for me to overcome all the other disincentives to sleep with you. What are these other disincentives?”
I’ll Cook and Fuck, Just Do My Dishes – w4m – 26
“I love to cook, but lately, I have not been doing it nearly as frequently as I should. I live by myself, and cooking for one and then having to clean the goddamned mess seems like a total hassle. That said, if you promise to be a regular fuck buddy, then I’ll guarantee satisfying you in more than one way. I’ve been told that I’m a great cook and a great fuck. I’m a vegetarian with a bald pussy. Doesn’t cunnilingus on me sound fun?”
Orgasm Notice – 3 Days to Pay or Quit
“Dear Sir,
You have been renting my vagina for the past six weeks. In that six weeks you have had liberal access to myself and my fine ass bobbing on your dick, and you have taken advantage of this opportunity on a damn near daily basis. That is great. I love sex and I love it more when it is a daily experience. However, over the course of these past six weeks, I have recieved only one “payment” in exchange for your many lovely gifts of pearl necklaces and the like.
This arrangement is simply not an acceptable one for my vagina and myself. This notice serves you with a three day period to pay up or get the fuck on. I want an orgasm.”
10 Traits That Make You A Great Girlfriend
“9. She’s intelligent
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the bimbo routine gets real old, real fast. Instead of being the one in total control, you’ll find yourself trying to figure out what she’s really thinking behind those glazed eyes of hers – or if she’s actually thinking at all. An intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. She won’t let you get bored of her. Besides, it’s nice to have something to talk about between all that chandelier-hanging sex.
8. She’s sexual
While we’re on the topic, a great girlfriend has to be sexually compatible with you. For instance, if you’re into S&M and she’s more the “fluffy lingerie” type, that’s a problem. The two of you have to be on the same page – or, at least, she has to be willing to wear leather and use a whip from time to time. Of course, this doesn’t imply that she has to know all the right moves straight away; it simply means that you and she have an undeniable attraction toward each other, and are able to communicate your desires verbally (or with physical cues). It is important that you please each other in the bedroom, or on top of the dryer – whatever the case may be.”
SWF with DID Wants Caring Kinky Man – w4m – 29
“If you’re looking for a “normal” woman, please do us both a favor and move on. I’m single by choice, white, in good shape (personal trainer), and attractive enough where I have no trouble getting dates. However, due to some severe childhood trauma, I also suffer from dissociative identity disorder or DID, often mistakenly called Multiple Personality Disorder.
For the past few years, I’ve fought with medication and several therapists and suffered through relationships with men and sometimes women who just didn’t understand the needs of my alters – the other personalities that manifest themselves from time to time. Perhaps I’ll never have a long term relationship ubt I have come to realize in the past few years that there are many kinky people in the world and the internet has given me a safe and sane forum to meet them. So, with a hopeful heart, I’m wondering if someone is out there who can handle all of me.
I’m looking for someone who would be comfortable with all of my alters. Understand that I have no control about which alter appears and when, so you have to be the kind of person who goes with the flow.”
Old Spice and my date with The Slutwitch
“The Slutwitch was beautiful, but taller than I expected and had a deep FM DJ type of voice. She kept flipping her hair every 5-10 seconds so I thought she might be tweeking. She got right down to business after pocketing the 2 Jacksons and let me tell you, she was good at it. As she was slurping away, she tried to slip me a finger, which I thought was weird. I diddn’t last long and exploded just as the second Cramps song began. The whole time I was rubbing her ass and thighs, but she kept pushing my hand away whenever I got to close to her coochie. She grabbed her phone and said she had to take a call and was out of my car before I could even respond. As I watched her slink away, it hit me : My Slutwitch was a dude. Now I don’t know what to think. I had an incredible time, and she WAS just about the hottest thing I’d ever seen, but I swear, I am not a homo, not now, not ever. At this point, my head is spinning, I managed to get her number, but am scared to call her again. It was incredible though. Does anyone know of a therapist who specializes in this area???”
To the tailgating cop who ruined my blowjob on the QEW – 29
“Look, it’s been a few years since I’ve dated a girl willing to even consider giving head while I’m driving. I didn’t think this one would even take me seriously. In fact, _I_ didn’t even take the suggestion seriously, but I made a joke about it and she got a gleam in her eye and told me to take off my jacket.
I was a little uneasy because some asshole in a station wagon had been tailgating me for a minute for two, but I figured, “Fuck him. Let him watch. He’s practically in the back seat as it is.” So down she goes. I just can’t believe this is really happening.”
DISGUSTING but completely true story
“My body reacts to such stress in two ways. One of which is an elevated sex drive. With my boyfriend hunkered down in the library with his own papers and me cozy at home, I knew the most efficient way to finish the job would be to do it myself. I have a small apartment and a nearby roommate, so I decided to take a waterproof vibrator (thank you, Goodvibes) into the shower for some fun in the (loud-to-mask-my-own-sounds) water.
I hop in the shower with the trusty vibe and get warmed up under the spray of the shower. Ahhhh, things were feeling good. I face away from the shower head, prop my foot up on the corner of the tub, and start to have some fun. After a minute or two, with the thoughts of term papers completely out of my mind, I felt my body tense up and release some of that built up tension. Delicious!
Then I remembered the other way my body reacts to stress.”
I Am the Alfred Stieglitz of Cock Pics…
“Once you sense the power of my work, you’ll clearly understand how analogous it is to the power of my fucking. One mind-blowing three-minute session with me and you’ll understand why artists such as myself attract women: it’s a deep-seated sensitivity to the world that artists like myself are only able to communicate by taking photos of our cocks and anonymously emailing them to you.”
Dear Husband: All I Want For Christmas is a Good Fuck
“Every day I watch your little beer belly grow just a bit bigger, and every day I don’t care because I am so horny that I want you anyway, and every day you roll over and go to sleep, and I masturbate my sorrows away. I masturbate after you leave for work in the morning, while you’re in the shower, and while you’re in the other room playing video games. My finger is developing a permanent cramp. I am so sex-starved that I fantasize about other men, from celebrities, to the coffee shop guy, to that shy coworker who always smiles at me, to my jackass boss who thinks he is God’s gift to women. I am so horny that I can’t get my work done during the day, I am so desperately trying to get the images of fucking you, the co-worker, the boss, the celebrity, and/or anybody else with a dick out of my head. I mean, this is ridiculous. I keep myself in nice shape, I get cat-called on the street and hit on at work and in bars, and I can’t even get laid?! What kind of fucked-up universe is this?”
Hot girls = bad bad bad bad
“Girls are like starving jackals when it comes to complements. Complement them on their shoes, and they’ll stave off complement starvation for a little bit….but they’ll need to feed again. Soon. Hot girls are the fat jackals that get food tossed to them. They go through their day being admired, stared at, and complemented for everything they do from buying a bagel to passing gas (“Dude, that hot girl farted.” “AWESOME!”) so they begin to define themselves by their hotness. Because they’re validated so regularly, hot girls get a self-esteem defined by others, and a sense of entitlement that could match your average NBA player.
Not-as-hot girls don’t have this problem. They learn to validate themselves through their own self confidence and self worth. A complement here and there is nice, but they are the fit, scavenging complement jackals that can make it through a harsh winter without any “Hey you’re hot”’s. “
i bought condoms from my deliguy for NOTHING,ruining our relationship
“Thank YOU darling, for a memorable evening, and for a reminder that after a night like this, i won’t ever pick up the phone, when I can’t understand more than 3 words in a sentence, after midnight, from anyone, ever. Not even my mom.”
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